July 16, 2015

The Struggle between Art and Time

I am not comfortable talking about money. Or how I struggle to make time to write while raising two kids and juggling a medium-distance relationship. Or the crusty sear of pain I feel when I receive another rejection on the latest project that was supposed to fix everything (got one this morning).

This might surprise you because I DO talk about this stuff, relentlessly. And I will keep talking about it because the only thing more uncomfortable than sharing it is keeping it to myself. (Plus, you’re a good listener, and you give me ideas I wouldn’t have on my own.)

So, to update, here is my current Life Choice:

1. I’ve essentially been offered $32,000 a year to write whatever I want, full-time. Anything my writing makes above and beyond that is mine to keep, though if it goes above $15,000, I lose that $32,000. This amount is enough for my two kids and me to get by, barely, or…
2. I return to teaching full-time and write on the side. The money is good and guaranteed with this route, and I love love love to teach, though the place I’d return to is toxic (teaching part-time, or teaching elsewhere, would drop my pay to such that it’d make more fiscal sense to take the $32,000 in choice #1, and taking a non-teaching job elsewhere would eat up summers off, making it more time-sensible to stay with full-time teaching).

You’ll agree that this is a lovely first-world problem to have, yes? I received valuable input on this choice yesterday, here and on Facebook, and I’m putting it all into a pot to simmer for a week (though I’ve 99% made up my mind to go for #2; it’s hard to beat genetic conditioning). So today’s post is less about the nuts and bolts of making a writing life and more about how to carve out time for creativity without sacrificing relationships and well-being, something I know a lot of you struggle with in different versions of my same situation. Wait, it’s even more existential than that. It’s about who we are. Are we workers who aim for a comfortable life, or does everyone have a passion and a purpose, and are they cowards if they don’t give that 100%? Is it enough to follow your dream, part-time and safely, or is that selling out, and will it guarantee you never reach your dream?

I can’t tell if I’m trying to unionize everybody or just going through the early stages of menopause. In any case, my question remains: is there ever a “best” or even a “better” time to risk everything, and if so, how do you recognize it?

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July 15, 2015

Waiting for a Call from the Governor

As many of you know, I’ve taken off the last academic year to write full-time. It was an unpaid leave. The plan was to see if the writing life was for me, and if I could make a living off of it. It is, and I can’t. At least not yet. The Catalain Book of Secrets Kickstarter campaign (October 2014) was a success, and that book of my heart has garnered wonderful reviews, but its sales have since petered out. I wrote a thriller, Salem’s Cipher, which is currently out on submission, and my agent is giving the final once-over to a nonfiction book proposal, Better than Gin: Using Fiction Therapy to Heal Your Heart and Mind, before sending that out on submission.

It’s been a productive year, and I’ve never been happier. But, my leave is winding down. I have until August 1 to decide if I’m going back to my college teaching job (thinking of walking back in the building shrinks my ovaries; it’s not a good place for anyone to be, which is why there’s been a steady exodus of faculty and staff out of there), or quitting it for good to pursue writing full-time.

Since I go back and forth on this every day, I’m asking for your vote on my life. Makes total sense, yes? Here’s the options and their supporting facts:

Return to Teaching Full-time

Pros	Cons
I could still write part-time on the side; I’ve juggled that for 14 years	Because it's a toxic place, I’m a shit human being when I am working there; whatever stress I don’t absorb into my liver rolls downhill to my kids and boyfriend
Steady, good paycheck with flexible hours. A note on this one: I am the sole provider for me and my two kids, always have been, and this is a responsibility I take very seriously.	Most of my brainpower and time is devoted to the job, so far less writing, and far less depth to my writing
If I go back to teaching for this year, I could ask for another unpaid leave of absence next year, for up to three years, without forfeiting my job, so I would only have to push the writing dream down the road for another year	I lose the momentum of this year off It’s not where I’m supposed to be. Short of getting woo-woo on you, all I can say for sure is that I feel like I drank garbage juice when I think about going back there.

Pursue Writing Full-time

Pros	Cons
It is where I’m supposed to be. I feel like I have far more to offer the world when I’m writing and teaching writing workshops.	Are you serious? I have been receiving a paycheck every day since I was 15. I am a Stearns County great-granddaughter of German immigrants. We do NOT give up real jobs to pursue artistic endeavors. We laugh at people who trade the cow for magic beans, and then we kick them and steal their beans, but we don’t even plant them, we EAT them, because that’s what you do with beans.
My writing will continue to improve and deepen. It is the courageous, bold choice, and when I think about making it, I feel happy.	So many.
Because my income has dropped low this year, my late husband’s Social Security has kicked in and will provide enough money to scrape by for up to four years, or until my income goes back up (which is the plan).	Lots.
I am disciplined and motivated. The first few months as a full-time writer were bloated and weird, but now I’m in a routine that feels good. I have a hardcore but realistic plan for writing three novels and a screenplay this year, plus increase my workshop teaching schedule.	Bunches of piles.

My worldview is being profoundly challenged these days. Do I believe what I say about the value of taking risks and pursuing dreams? Or, does it count if I sort of take a risk, teach another year, and keep my foot half on land? My heart says pursue the writing. My brain thinks I'm making a fart joke (you're going to quit a steady paycheck to what again???) and can’t stop laughing long enough to answer.

Sigh. You can see why I need your help. Questions and comments welcome below.

p.s. If the governor calls, ie if I get an offer on the thriller, that's a clear sign from the Universe, right Bill Nye? I am LEAPING.

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January 7, 2015

Salem

This past Monday, I began research on my first thriller. Ever. Here's a synopsis:

Single daughters of single mothers are disappearing all over the globe. The story barely makes the news, buried beneath war, famine, and celebrity fashion. Salem and Izzy, best friends since birth and fresh University of Chicago grads, don't even know it's happening. But when their mothers disappear, leaving behind a terrifying and cryptic message, they find themselves both detectives and suspects in a modern witch hunt. On the run from the law, their search moves from the upper east coast of the U.S. to Europe, where the women learn that the only way to save their mothers is to plunge headlong into a hidden and dangerous world of religious and political secrets, buried history, and one impossible truth.

I'm in the research phase, which I have reason to love. I've ordered nearly a dozen books, some on the witch trials of Salem, some on the "disappearing" of women in religion. My boyfriend and research partner has found me a bunch of links, including phenomenal videos. I've even started a Pinterest page for the book.

I also am only spending approximately one of the six hours I have scheduled for this book every day, putzing around the other five. Why? Because the task of writing a book seems so daunting, every time, like a farce of epic proportions (why stop at writing a book? why not build a house? or perform open heart surgery? I'm sure I'd be just as good). It is like writer's block, only I am researching, and I am not supposed to be writing. Because I'm researching. Or something.

Feck. I know what I'm doing. I'm stalling because of fear. The funny part is that the book writing isn't so hard, once you get into it. You do your best, and then you make it better. It's the STARTING the book writing that is nearly impossible, every. Single. Day.

I'm going to do better tomorrow. I promise.

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